FUCK

I’ll be honest, like over three quarters of the reason there hasn’t been a post since Week 2 is a conspicuous lack of Ws for the Northside Angels. 0 and fucking 5. Like ol’ Bob just falling off a building and hitting 3 tree branches on the way down and the getting tasered after stumbling to get back to finding his daughter.

The other quarter was me traveling to Gainesville and leaving off the last of my luck to the Gators as they put Arch out of the Manning’s misery.

Absolutely ridiculous. The fall has been epic. I think this is it boys.

Ol’ Northside is getting put out to pasture after this week. It’s over. All I have left is points for and golly gee only fucking Joe Flacco to count on to throw to Ja’marr Chase now.

Alas…here’s the recap of Week 5:

Northside Angels vs River Gypsies

Northside Angels was feeling pretty good going into this week. Yeah, they were 0-4, but hey they had the new stud out of Houston, Woody Marks, and was going all in on the Tight End Set! It was looking good! He was having a great week too.

Yeah, Marks was an inexplicable 2.40, but Browning had put Chase up to 26 whole points, Dak (28.28) and Ferguson (23.90) continued their reign of terror. Sutton, Gibbs, and Jones all had reasonably respectable games as well. A week winning 143.55 points were scored! Get in!

…

Then the fucking River Gypsies at 1-3 decided to have the Redzone’s second-best performance of the year so far! 180.01 points.

One Hundred and Eighty Freaking Points.

The Gypsypocalypse was led by Jonathan Taylor’s 30.10 points, followed closely by Stroud (28.76), K. Williams (27.10), and Darnold (27.64). For the math disinclined here, that is 113 points from 4 players. He then added Diggs (19.60, and a great pickup) and Kelce (19.10, the post “Wood” Kelce is on fire, much like Taylor apparently) to lock this up with a smattering of mediocre performances from everyone else.

Am I happy?

Save me Mr. Elite Dragon…

Big City Hillbillies vs HAMR’D in the Stands

The blowout of the week (by 3 whole points) had the Hillbillies laying the Wood on HAMR’D 147.66 to 108.22.

BCH continued their balanced skill position reign of terror led by the cheap Javonte Williams (26.40) and JSN (23.20) followed by 4 others in the double digits. Trevor Lawrence had the most hilarious method of scoring a touchdown to get to 26.24 for the week, pulling out his best week of the year so far. The balanced attack has made it through the first bye week with another W.

302 just couldn’t hack it this week even with a sublime performance by Baker (26.66) and a decent game by Breece Hall (15.50). Unfortunately, that was about it with Kyler Murray (15.3) being the next highest scoring player for 302 while playing in THE MOST EMBERASSING LOSS OF THE NFL SEASON SO FAR. If you want to watch/listen to an amazing crash out of some Cardinals fans, check out the recap this week from the Fantasy Footballers. Great times!

Outlaw Nation vs. Fulton Jail Inmates

The Outlaw Nation has begun prying themselves out of the basement with a second win over the Fulton Jail Inmates in the lowest scoring match of the week.

ON was led by his twin QBs of the resurgent Mahomes (26.72) and Tua (22.74). After that he really only had an exceptional game by the Lions DST (18.06) getting the huge 6 point play of the safety. Good times there! The rest of the squad ranged from pedestrian: Dobbins (14.60) and Pickens (12.70) to nothing to talk about with 3 players scoring under 5 points. But it was enough!

The Inmates just had themselves a week of downsides. Egbuka (27.80) scored around 1/4 of the Inmates points this week alone. What a run this year by the rookie! Egbuka was followed by Goff (20.12), Maye (12.12). and McMillan (10.30). All other players were under 10 points which was a major contributor to the low overall score and loss. Onto next week!

The Hanson Bowl

The battle of the brothers. The 2/3 Triplet Bowl. The Scrum of the Renamed. Whatever you call it, the Putt-Putt Bogey Boys, wrapped in their new name, got a great win over the Troll Huggers with a score of 158.25 to 134.08.

Coming from the previous match, this was a week of moderate to great performances for players on both teams. PPBB got the win off of Stafford (25.56), Waddle (20.00), and Hurts (19.50). But the backs of all his other players were strong as all get out, with only the Bills DST being under 10 points! The balanced attack was an avalanche of points that drowned his bro’s equally balanced attack.

The Troll Huggers were a slightly warped mirror of the PPBG with great performances by Deebo (19.60), Nix (17.88), and Daniels (17.14). But you may see the warping already, with his top 3 players being a few points under the PPBB’s top 3. That carried over to the rest of the squad with a point here and there under the opposing player’s score. That adds up to a 24-point loss he was just not able to overcome.

Game of the Week

Twin City Tree Cats vs. Kingmakers

The Game of the Week was between the unstoppable Kingmakers and the streaky Tree Cats. Only 11 points decided the win and both were above 150 points each. Just a banger of a match up.

The Kingmakers win was a tsunami of points. Dowdle put up the RB1 score of the week with 30.90 points! This was followed by 25.92 by Jets QB Fields, 23.90 to the witch McCaffrey (he’s sacrificing all other 49ers this year to stay healthy) and 21.10 from White. After that he had solid games from Collins, Thomas, and Rattle (15.60).

But things are looking shaky, which in my completely unbiased opinion is a weird hallmark of the Kingmakers this year. He gets the wins, but they are never solid average team performances. Hampton (great pick) is now out on IR and Jackson is also out for an unknown number of weeks. They have been his strongest soldiers so the waiver wire has been the Kingmakers friend this week!

Fortunately for the Kingmakers, their opponent was a slightly smaller tsunami. The Tree Cats had a hell of a week with JCM (26.00), Sam Laporta (20.20), Dart (15.58), Allen (19.42), and Montgomery (17.72) and the Colts D (16.08) being his studs. The Cats lost the week on Ayomanor’s 2.80 and Coleman’s 8.30, but not everything goes right. The TCTC’s “not going right” was a lack of points, while the Kingmakers’ was injuries.

The W is a W though, and one I’d gladly take at this moment.

Final Thoughts

It’s been a few weeks since the last check in on #150forJoshAllen, so let’s see what we got!

Josh Allen Report:

Week	Points Scored	QB Rank	Weekly Rank	Year Long Rank
1	38.76	1	1	1
2	11.82	25	91	3
3	23.02	5	13	–
4	24.86	7	17	–
5	19.42	12	33	2

So, #2 player this year. Holding strong really.

Anyways, I’m trying to be Sensei this week, taking the waves in and out. Ocean Waves. No Fear!

Standings

Team	Record
Kingmakers	5-0
Big City Hillbillies	4-1
River Gypsies	3-2
Putt-Putt Bogey Boys	3-2
HAMR’D In The Stands	3-2
Twin City Tree Cats	2-3
Fulton Jail Inmates	2-3
Outlaw Nation	2-3
Troll Huggers	1-4
Northside Angels	0-5